I recently just found an old blog of mine where I haven't deleted all of the posts off of. See, I used to have this habit of starting things and overtime letting them fizz out and then I'd write about why what I was doing wasn't working. Then a couple months later come back with something new that bared roots from my previous intentions, but with a different approach entirely. Eventually, I lost contact with a lot of things. My family, most of my friends, the activities I used to do, my free time and most importantly, who I was. See what happened was I entered that so called "real world" that a lot of people like to make excuses for. I started to become numb to everything and everyone around me. Nothing had any meaning for me and I felt like I was going insane in this artificially imposed routine. Just a lab rat performing experiments on other lab rats. It was sickening and I wanted, no, NEEDED to break out. So I did. I started following my passion. Herein lies the problem though. I wasn't. I knew the toll it took out on everything else close to me, but I didn't really understand just how much of myself was beaten down to the point where I didn't even know I lost it. I thought I was following my passion, but as it turns out, I became cold and calculated with what I was doing. In a sense, I was unknowingly trying to become this archaic vision of a "professional". I had no idea I wasn't following the path I had originally intended upon until I read these blog posts from years ago.
I lost part of my personality or at the very least, hid it away unconsciously. I looked back over the past two years and it dawned on me. I even went so far as to feel shame, SHAME about doing things I would have normally done without hesitation in the past. What the fuck is that? There were so many things I wanted to do recently and I just looked at them and felt immediately uncomfortable about doing them as if I'm worried that would cause problems or clash with people I don't even know. For example, there was a series of videos I wanted to create called "politically autocorrect". They would depict issues that most people are too afraid to deal with directly, so they create bullshit politically correct ways of dealing with them so that they don't have to face the issue at it's core, just cover it up. I was going to use satire to invoke a "here let me fix that for you" response to help bring awareness to some of these issues. I looked at it and got embarrassed, like I didn't want to let people see the inner workings of my mind. In essence, I became the demographic that I was speaking out against. Fuck that. I am a vessel for promoting the unpopular opinions of the world. I'm the one who always took the hit and stood out when everyone else was too afraid to say or do anything. I lost that part of me and I need to bring it back.
~~Writing Light Across The Land~~